JUSTIN CHI IS GREAT

What post-SPOP life will be like, nobody knows
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I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING

Many of the most overtly homosexual rituals occur following ceremonial sporting events known as toofball. In this athletic contest, the contestants dress in gladiatorial costumes that exaggerate masculine musculature in the shoulders and thighs, while ensuring that any observer can view the entire buttocks without obstruction. Armored helmets conceal their faces. This is no doubt to enable them to engage in overtly homoerotic behavior anonymously, as adult homosexuals among the Nacrimea often do.

The object of this athletic contest, as Berkeley folklorist Alan Dundes has eloquently pointed out, is itself ritually homosexual (Dundes, 1985). ‘The object of the game, simply stated, is to get into the opponent’s endzone while preventing the opponent from getting into one’s own endzone,’ Dundes writes (1985: 81). This helps explain the ‘bottom patting’ that is often observed among players. ‘A good offensive or defensive play deserves a pat on the rear end. The recipient has held up his end and has thereby helped protect the collective “end” of the entire team. One pats one’s teammates’ ends, but one seeks to violate the endzone of one’s opponents!’ (p. 81).

In one particularly homoerotic display, the largest of the toofball players make themselves vulnerable to anal penetration by their teammates, facing their opponents. The largest and heaviest men bend over into an untenable stooped position, leaning forward so far (to expose their buttocks to their teammates) that they need to rest their heavy frame on one hand as well. This three-point stance is simultaneously more impervious to one’s opponents and exceptionally vulnerable to one’s trusted teammates.

When arrayed for competition, the most handsome of these warriors is required to place his hands on the buttocks of the largest and least mobile of the other combatants. (Only he may do so; all others are enjoined from this display.) He recites a ceremonial incantation as he moves his hands rhythmically. The larger man does not move, nor does he indicate sexual gratification from this simulation of masturbation. At a specified point, he passes the oblong projectile through his legs, and the handsome warrior either gives it away to another combatant, or he throws it in the air.

Regardless, as soon as the initial homosexual rubbing is over and the ‘toofball ’ is passed, all the combatants in both colored costumes fall on top of each other, grabbing each other’s bodies, until they lie together in a big undulating pile. Adults, wearing costumes like zebras, run to the pile and blow a whistle to ensure that all the combatants are stimulated fairly. (The zebra-men are dressed this way to make sure that the experience is as natural as the jungle which their costumes signify.)

Observing such a spectacle of public homosexuality is obviously arousing for the many spectators. Many wear strange costumes themselves to the spectacle, perhaps to indicate their fanatic allegiance to the combatants from one side or the other. After the large piles are dispersed, strangers often hug each other, and show other forms of affection such as holding hands for a fraction of a second, or slapping a neighbor’s hand or buttocks. Many drink ceremonial libations from paper bags.

I AM GREAT